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Top Tuesday: 5 really, really bad intro movies


The opening intro movie for a video game is meant to get you pumped to play the game. It's kind of like a quick tasty appetizer to prepare you for the main course that is your game. And most games, even the mediocre ones, generally have a pretty good intro cutscene. But to paraphrase Newtons Third Law of motion, for every action there's inevitably an equal and opposite reaction. In other words, if there are awesome intro cutscenes, then there have to be crappy ones.

So with that in mind here are some of the worst intro sequences ever placed before a game.

Zero Wing

This one is here simply as a history lesson. I'm sure nearly all ardent gamers are familiar with the "All your bases are belong to us" meme. Well this is the game it comes from. And that line isn't the only zinger in there. It's too bad really, because from a conceptual level, the intro isn't terrible, it's just really,really badly translated.

Zelda: Faces of Evil

History lesson real quick. In the early 90s, Nintendo was looking at adding a CD drive to the SNES, and Philips was one of the companies they were talking to about developing it. (Sony being the other.) Things didn't work out, but as fallout from those talks, Philips secured the rights to use Nintendo characters in games of their own making. So Philips created their own video game console, the CD-i, and then made that abortion you see up there. To be fair, the game did receive fairly positive reviews at the time of it's release, but yeah, awful intro scene is awful.

WCW/nWo: Revenge

Anybody remember the WCW? Anyone? Well if you are a fan of Sports Entertainment and you remember the WCW, then you may also remember a storyline they had that involved a wrestling stable called the nWo and Hulk Hogan was the leader of the nWo and this was weird cos the nWo were bad guys and Hulk Hogan isn't a bad guy and he was the boss of all these bad guys and he was gonna... you know what it doesn't matter. Just watch the first minute of that and tell me if you knew it was a wrestling game.

Resident Evil

Resident Evil is a bonafide classic, a legitimately great game that ignited the zombie resurgence that still persists today. But if we were to judge the game on this intro sequence alone, then I'm sure we'd be feeling a lot differently about this game. It is the apotheosis of bad live action FMV sequences, a trend that thankfully died by the time the sequel came out.

Drake and the 99 Dragons

So the other videos in this list are bad, granted, but at least they have a smidgen of entertainment value. They have some rationally shortcomings that resulted in the awfulness. Zero Wing for instance suffered from bad translation and the team that put it out had no way of knowing it was bad. Drake and the 99 Dragons was an old Xbox and PC game that was trying to bank on the popularity of Max Payne, but with the added goodness of supernatural enemies and a lead character that was an undead assassin. Unfortunately it did 'live' up to expectations. It is still considered among the worst games ever made and it's intro sequence is happy to play along.  This is bad by every definition of the word. The animation is bad, the character design is bad, the dialogue is bad, the script is bad, the editing is bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad.Bad. Bad.Bad. Bad and Bad.

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