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Games about sports and other retarded half-cousins of games

Them types of games I am about to discuss with you here really shouldn’t exist IRL. When I call them half-cousins, I mean in the “Deliverance” sense:

If these games were human, their parents would be brother and sister, they would have webbed feet and would more than likely be Ginger. Yes friends, they would be duelling banjos and then eating each other. Not cool.


Here are my reasons to hate them.

1. Games About Sports:

I suppose that these sound fun in principle. I guess that it’s ok to experience outdoor activities vicariously through your teeny tiny team and it’s also far less strenuous on your body (except maybe the thumbs). I was even pretty obsessed with Pro-Evolution at a stage and I even won sometimes.

BUT (and it’s a huge but)

Once game companies see that we have sort of gotten semi-excited about the genre, they go and release things like Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2013. Really?



Sports games are already pretty lazy in that they don’t exactly require much plot construction etc, but at least ones about soccer and whatnot require that you exercise some sort of fine motor control and you can turn them into some sort of social activity (playing them on your own is pointless and sad). But a game about golf? GOLF?! The most boring sport known to man-kind (although it’s #1 spot on the list is possibly contested by cricket).

And if you choose to buy the collector’s edition (which exists for some reason)…I literally have no emoticon for my feels about that because there isn’t one conveying pity towards immense naiveté. You have been suckered.

Oh and also, the PC versions of these games involve the use of an unnecessarily complicated variety of key combinations that render them both virtually impossible to play and justifies the fact that they shouldn’t be allowed.

2. Visual Novel Games i.e. Interactive Fiction Games

My brother the Weeaboo [for those of you that don’t know what that is, knowyourmeme defines the word as

Weeaboo (a.k.a Wapanese) is an English slang used to describe a person (typically of non-Asian descent) who prefers Japan and all things in Japanese over one’s indigenous culture.]

 and Wikipedia reader tells me that these are a particular favourite in Japan. All I know is that they are incredibly boring. You don’t play it so much as read it; and isn’t that called a book? And even if we call it that, they are still not exactly well-written. Watch Cry play “Hatoful Boyfriend” and see what you think. The first couple of minutes are pure gold, but after that not so much.

Apparently the game concludes with some incredibly twisted conspiracy but

a) Getting there is incredibly tedious; and

b) It’s about a school for pigeons and contains an erotic element.


3. Movies Based On Games

This hybrid is still related to the topic at hand and should have been aborted from the get go. Am I the only one who wanted to hang myself as a result of watching Doom: the movie? I don’t think so.

Whoever let this...


...translate into this...


...should be deeply, deeply ashamed of themselves #seppuku

The original Doom didn’t exactly have much of a plot that I noticed, unless you consider shooting stuff to be a self-standing storyline I suppose.

[P.S. it isn’t and never will be and also, The Rock isn’t a real actor so stop trying to make him happen because he is never going to happen.]

Also, I would like to thank my friend Andrew for the idea behind this article. I am very stupid and he is very clever.

Stephanie's Twitter | MWEB GameZone

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