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Why life would be terrible if we lived in a videogame

by Stephanie Duchenne (Panda McBearface)  Posted Thursday, March 07, 2013 12:51:43 PM

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I’m sitting in an incredibly pretentious hipster café where I have just been served some Earl Grey tea that I am expected to drink out of a glass. Although this is aesthetically pleasing, it’s also incredibly stupid because I can’t pick up my beverage without burning myself.  #Ergonomicsfail.

I’m also sitting here trying to decide whether RL would be more fun if we lived in a videogame. On the one hand, it would probably be pretty great to use a rocket launcher to propel yourself 20 metres into the air without being blown to gibs. Even though I can’t readily think of a real life application for that activity, it doesn’t mean there isn’t one. Conversely, it would be extremely lame if we had to spend our lives jumping over turtles because touching them even with the smallest appendage would mean instant death. We would have about 30 extra lives if we knew the right cheat codes and considering that each life would last approximately 60 years, I think that it’s possible that the theme music would lose some of its appeal over time.

I have turned to Youtube as a source of information about this concept because next to Google and Wikipedia, it’s the one of the main reasons that I know things about stuff. Here are some potential scenarios one could expect to encounter if we lived in a video game:

1. Life in general:

Imagine going for a cool swim on a blistering hot day and suddenly discovering that some malicious force from somewhere in the universe has removed the stairs. You can’t get out. You are forced to swim lengths until you die.

You go to the early morning farmer’s market to buy some lovely and fresh organic produce. You and a stranger simultaneously reach for the same bunch of bananas. Clearly you can’t let this go, it’s a personal insult for some reason. You have to beat the stuffing out of said stranger in a 3 round fight so that he or she learns his lesson.

VID

2. Owning a pet:

You’ve captured a sweet and fluffy creature. This creature is somehow able to rearrange his atomic structure so that he can become small enough to live inside a plastic ball. You spend hours training him up to fight other animals to the death so that you can earn jewellery and for other people’s entertainment. Even though this is incredibly cruel and torturous, you still profess to being his friend. Also, it’s quite strange but every veterinary nurse in every city looks exactly alike and have exactly same name.

 3. Romantic relationships:

I don’t think I can explain this adequately, so watch this documentary about the sexual life of videogames:

***Be warned that this is inappropriate for young ‘uns***

 

Stephanie's Twitter / MWEB Gamezone Twitter | Facebook

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Please note that the opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and not MWEB Connect (Pty) Ltd



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