Don’t read this article if you are easily offended or upset and ESPECIALLY don’t read this article if you are under 18. I am not responsible for anything that happens to you if you choose to continue and also, don’t say I didn’t warn you (because this is a warning).
Today I bring you a very special present. However, I should probably warn you that when I say “special” I actually mean “horrifying, face-meltingly disturbing, possible traumatic and badly written” (Although in retrospect, poor quality narrative thrust is probably the least of your worries in some of these cases if I’m completely honest). I am not proud of it, but I spent the morning squelching my way through the dark and sleazy world of Adult Fan Fiction. I’m not sure that I have come out the other side completely unscathed, but nonetheless here is a selection of gaming fan fiction that lack appropriate emoticons to describe the feels:
1. Goku (every single Dragon Ball Z fighting game, ever) and Anne Frank (yes, the Anne Frank) in “Until the End of Time” by Gopherchan
Yes friends, this abomination actually exists. If the logical paradox that is a romance of Super Saiyan cartoon character and historical heroine hasn’t made your head explode, here are a few select quotes from the story. Some of them actually show a lot of imagination despite the fact that this story is just awful. So awful.
Anne Frank is sitting in her attic room after writing up her diary (the last factual detail you will ever read is in the second sentence of the story) when...
All of a sudden, a flash of light appeared in the room! Anne jumped back, stifling a scream. Before she could run out the closed door she noticed that the person who appeared in the flash was not a Nazi officer, but someone who she had never seen before! His clothes were very strange, and his hair was in a spiky style that was totally new to her.
She stood against the wall, wary of the stranger, but he walked towards her and smiled, extending a hand. "My name is Goku."
Goku and Anne fall in love for some reason and then he disappears, only to return a month later. After curing Anne’s bullet-wounded leg with a Senzu bean...
"Now come on" commanded Goku. "We've got some Nazi ass to kick." Anne jumped on the mysterious Saiyan's back, as he launched off into the sky.
Yes, you read correctly. Anne Frank is about to fly on Goku’s back to Berlin so that they can kill Hitler. And then the confrontation...
Hitler burst into a laugh, as Goku looked on quizzically. The moustachioed man slowly rose into the air, as his brown hair and pencil mustache turned a blonde color, and his brown eyes turned blue. Goku reeled in horror. Hitler continued laughing, then finally said "Goku! You came here expecting to find a madman, but instead, you found a GOD!" Hitler had become a Super Saiyan.
HITLER HAD BECOME A SUPER SAIYAN.
Anyway, of course Goku wins in the end, and the reader is party to one of the most romantic unions ever to be seen...in Australia of all places.
They changed their names and lived new lives, ready to start over. The two young people looked into each others eyes as they kissed, as the reverend pronounced them man and wife. Finally, it seemed, Anne was at peace. And they would always be together, until the end of time.
Actually, I take that back:
2. Mello (Death Note) and Tetris Blocks (I’m not even kidding) in “Getting around the Block” by Sashocirrione
These are now objects of desire for no reason that actual makes sense.
Death Note is an anime where some guy kills people by writing their names in a magical notebook and Tetris is a game about arranging different falling blocks together to form lines and get points. And for some reason, author sashocirrione (I use the term “author” very loosely) thought that it would be just so great to combine the two in a story where they have sex because of other reasons. And the sex is sort of like rape because the Tetris blocks can’t speak and give consent.
This guy is a Tetrophile.
Protagonist Mello wakes up in a room where he eventually realises:
"I didn't expect tetris blocks would have such an odd texture."
Because there was no doubt about where he was. He was inside a tetris game, stretched out on a series of shaped blocks that were soft, firm and oddly slippery all at once. Each tetris block was roughly the size of a person.
Really? Is this really about to happen?
Yes. Yes it is. Mello is about to rape a bunch of Tetris blocks, or maybe it’s consensual sex. Either way, it’s just wrong. So wrong.
As if the block had understood but disapproved, it only became much more vigorous in its efforts, grinding against Mello in the most annoying way. He kicked again with both legs at once, and abruptly realized his boots were now missing as his bare feet connected with the softly glowing, strangely slippery blue block. A split-second later, he realized that it wasn't just his boots. All his clothing had somehow dissolved or poofed out of existence.
And that block grinding against him was beginning to feel really good, warm tingles gathering in his crotch area as his breathing sped up.
Ok, firstly “poofed” is not even a word and even as a made up one it’s not very good. Secondly, a squishy Tetris block is making Mello tingly in his crotchal region. One really weird and explicit sex scene that I can’t bring myself to transcribe here later, Mello wakes up on the couch...
His neck had a terrible crick in it and he could barely untangle his clothing without falling over. He was torn between launching into a marathon swearing session or simply marching silently into the bathroom, cleaning up, and when he came out letting it be known that the subject would never be mentioned again.
The subject would never be mentioned again, thank goodness. Once was already more times than I ever wanted to think about that ever.
| MWEB GameZone
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