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The Greatest Troll on Earth

by Stephanie Duchenne (Panda McBearface)  Posted Wednesday, January 02, 2013 1:48:00 PM

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I love zealots. They are just so comfortable and secure in the eccentricity and very often, complete insanity, of their words that it’s almost endearing. I love watching as their eyes light up with the fever of delusional self-righteousness, as that special vein in their collective forehead begins to pulse; the nervous tics, the flying spittle. All of it.

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So when I found www.christwire.org; I knew I had hit the jackpot. I mean, who wouldn’t want to read about “Skrillex, a Gothic icon and Lesbian fashionista whose name is Latin for “Homosexual Satan Wasp”; or about the battle for power over the USA between Mitt Romney and a giant communist crab monster? The website has since been outed as an enormous troll, but this doesn’t change the fact that many people continue to be taken in and it’s just so great.

Videogames have a dedicated section on the site and here are some of the things Christwire has said that made a lot of gamers OMG so very, very mad:

1. Pokemon, the Japanese word for crack-cocaine

Pokemon. A word we all know well from a childhood game. . . or is it? Is it a really a game or code for drugs like crack-cocaine, oxicotton (sic), and of course marijuana. The Japanese have cleverly hidden drug themes like the ones listed in the little pocket monsters games.

Bulbasaur.jpg

I bet you didn’t know that Bulbasaur carries a giant marijuana seed on his back, or that...

Suicune is a Snow type, and when its name is translated into English, it means, “God of Crack-Cocaine and Other White Powerdy (sic) Drugs.”

Suicune_for_Laxia_by_chibi_jen_hen.jpg

Maybe I should brush up on my Japanese.

See the full story here.

2. Skyrim infected a sweet grandmother with a cussing demon and should never be played by anyone, ever

Skyrim is a pixelated Facebook ‘Flash’ game that has taken off like wildfire on the internet. 

And it’s evil.

In this video we can see a sweet grandmother has come to visit her family for Christmas. The kids are playing Skyrim on their interneted HDTV and tell granny to take a spin. You can see immediately her eyes gloss over and at 31 seconds Satan powerfully manifests and wags his power.

P.S Video contains spoilers, also swearing (in case you didn't know what "cussing" meant).

Although I’m not sure what wagging means in this context, it sounds horrible.

In a review of the game; the site states that:

Skyrim’s Severe Affronts to your Christian child:

·         Man on man homogay marrying

·         Drug toking Skooma

·         Women in politics (jarls)

·         Worshipping false God’s

·         Bestiality relationships between Imperials and Argonian lusty lizard women

·         “Leveling up” satan’s magic. Worse than in Harry Potter.

 Aha. Aha. Ahahahaha. Sis.

On gameplay:

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During the first few minutes, you are being led to your execution amongst some rebels who rebel against their proper Empire rulers. I felt conflicted because the men seemed nice but needed to be executed like all crimincals (sic).

Before your execution however a Dragon attacks. I was NOT prepared for this. I did NOT know there would be dragons in this game and certainly not dragons so soon after I started playing! If I had known this then I would recommend that your children NOT play this game. Dragons are a symbol of Chinese power and strength over America and I cannot even believe that they are now invading our entertainment time, this is America not china (sic)!

Overzealous about both religion and patriotism. So 'Murican <3

3. Halo, the videogame that trains your teens to fight for the Nietzschean New World Order

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No, today let us pull back the layers of secrecy to reveal what Halo, one of this nation’s most controversial video games, is teaching young people about God and socialist revolution.

Egged on by a half-naked female handler named Cortana...[who]...uses her big-breasted flirtatiousness to trick you to take on suicidal missions. She may be little more than a cliché of the Cold War communist agent handling the “useful idiots” of the West, but she is extremely effective.

Well, her boobs are pretty big.

halo-4-review-cortana.jpg

The more you play the game, the more dehumanized you become. You are simply a robot after all, a robot of bits and bytes manifested on a television screen. Compassion and love are cast aside. You have become a killing machine whose sole purpose in life is to crush religion into a bloody mound of puss and gristle for the sake of the End Times collective.

Yay \:D/

Please, friends, please do yourself a favour and read more here.

 Stephanie's Twitter | MWEB GameZone

Other News from around the Net:

Please note that the opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and not MWEB Connect (Pty) Ltd



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